subconscio

2005-07-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

we all have our dark moments, days, nights.
this one's mine.

2005-05-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

promises in vain

what happens now?

hold on to the night...

2005-05-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

So its 2 am and I'm tired, but over the ledge. You know those times when as long as you get past a certain point you can go on forever and ever...

Can it become addictive?
Esther should be back today.

mmm...

I realized today how spoiled I am, growing up in such a wonderfully protective secluded environment. And like the selfish brat I am, I didn't - still don't - want to let go of it. I mean, if you had the world in your hands - all the money, the support, the luxury, the connections, the comfort, good friends, everything - would you ever be willing to give it up?

Ever?

It takes a heck of some gut and a wholee lot of craziness for someone to give up something good. Anything good, for that matter.

Willingly.

Ignorance? False hope?

What sort of crazy baboon faced donkey blower would do that?

=/

What is it about staying up late that nothing makes sense.

2005-04-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

I'm going through the same thing as you. So lets start from the first.

Chun, Yegene. = a thousand, the art of truth.

What am I so afraid of?
From now on, I resolve to lie to myself as least as possible.

Truth the first: I haven't been accepted into a single school I've applied to.
   That means 100% rejection rate.
   That simply means: I'm nothing. I have nothing to offer that is of worth.
   That means: As I watch everyone around me complete their university files and talk of dorms - I sit and stare at my own FJC folder. Mm, a sting to my wounded pride. But it makes me wonder - am I really much better than this? Are they simply special and I've been fooling myself into believing that I belong? Have I simply been placed where I belong, or do I think that this is an unfair mistake of the system and FIGHT BACK?

It would hurt less if I could just say that my family simply didnt have the resources to afford to send me to a university. Or that I'm like Roark working in the quarry's. But I don't even have an excuse to hide behind.

I might say try to be optimistic and say "It's ok." But really, it's not. It really is not ok.

Why not?

Doesn't that mean that no matter how much I say or believe that "I'm nothing", there's some part of me deep down inside thats screaming, "But I am something. I am. And I can be so much more." Is that what I'm supposed to fight for? That slim "can"?

If I look back, what have I got to offer? What good have I ever done that I think I deserve a good future like everyone else? If I look at the other people and their lives and what they've done, how they've acted - I just don't belong.

I've been living in a rather protected world, full of benefits, opportunities and only good. In that bubble, the suffering of living was put to a minimum, under cover of scholacity. And I don't want to loose that.

Yes, I'm selfish.

Truth the second: I'm scared. It's not a fear that something's going to hurt me. The pain is nothing to fear. It'll numb after a certain point. It's terror, an ugly feeling in my gut that tells me I'm helpless to do anything. It's the terror you feel when you're trapped in a small pitch black, cold room, alone with a monster that feeds off of your fear. You can scream and kick and cry as much as you like, but the monster is deaf and blind to your desperate pleas. It can only smell fear and slowly advances, slowly but surely. I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach - uneasy. But of what?

Truth the third: I'm lost. I need your comfort, but your back is turned. To someone who's more worthy, and needs it more. I wish that I could say it doesn't matter much to me. I'm afraid that I mean less and less to you. And this is just the beginning.

mm, truth hurts. Accept it.

2005-04-04T02:18:00.000-07:00

everything i wrote in the past 30 minutes just got deleted.

i think i wrote that i miss you.

i wish we can be friends again.

i'm listening to the cd you gave me. i like to listen to it when i'm in that special mood and everyone's gone asleep. it feels so much more personal that way, almost cutting. while the world dreams, i'm fully awake and conscious of every thought. i'm letting you own me, as no one else can. oh - when i say you, i mean the memory of you.

i like to listen to it when i'm tired of life, tired of trying, because it gives me inspiration. i like to pretend its you giving me the inspiration to keep on going, through this gift.

i like to know that its only me pretending, and you've forgotten about it. it makes it all the more... ironically special.

i like to pretend that you once stayed up late at night and listened to these same songs and felt the same things as i do now, as if we're searching outwards into the dark cold night with open hearts.

i like to pretend that you listen to my cd too, to give you comfort. and as you listen, you remember all the good things, all the bad things. remember, and learn to let go.

you may be sad now, but hold on, don't give up, be strong. i've always dreamed of living according to my passion, my dreams, and love. i wasn't strong enough to do it. and i'll never be able to love me for it. but you- you're living it. and i respect that so much.

does that mean anything? the person who's hurt you the most, who least deserves your love - still cares for you. i have no right to, but i do.

do you still think of me?

2005-02-26T19:08:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write a letter to my dad. I want to be as open as possible:

I'm crying because it's always been like this. What would it have cost you? A lost tv companion for 2 hours? (its not even yourtwo hours) Is two hours really that much? It's TOO much to ask for? What then, isn't?

I'm crying because I want opportunities, but you shoot each one of them down. Thats ok, I guess but the REASON isn't. The reason being: you were too lazy to change the way things were.

I'm crying because it's so hard for you to say yes and so easy to say no. If there ever was a yes, it feels like there's a heavy grudge attached. I never feel approval, acceptance, a WILLINGNESS to help. And you know what that means? It feels like you don't care.

I'm crying because I need your love and depend on you, but every time you say no feels like you're saying "no, i won't give you my love"

I'm crying because you don't seem to ever WANT to help to do anything for me with PLEASURE. I'm surprised at myself that I even DO anything, and keep at it, instead of lying around in bed all day, wondering what I CAN do, and not getting up, because I think I'm not allowed to do anything. I'm surprised that I keep at anything for more than a few months, because this definately does NOT teach persistence. From all the no's I can't believe that I still WANT to TRY. Pretty soon though...I have a feeling I'm going to give up ever even trying. What else can you expect if you don't even let me TRY?

I'm crying because I've been needing a good cry for a longg while now.

I'm crying because uhn-nee's sick and umma's tired and you're both. Most of all, you're not happy.

I'm crying because I need a shoulder to lean on but all there is is this cold cold floor..

I'm crying because I don't know who to turn to, or where to go. There's a person who's always been there for me, who's always given me the silent comfort that I needed. Everytime I turned away, I was really wanting for someone to come to my side, to be with me. And he did. But now it feels like his doors are closed and I don't know how to say I need his comfort. And it feels like he's leaving and I don't know how to say I care...

I'm crying because you walked into my room, saw me crying, and called me pathetic. None of this means a thing to you.

I'm crying because I have to tell you this. I shouldn't have to explain.

I'm crying because it'll make me stronger for next time.

2005-02-25T23:48:00.000-08:00

too many flashback memories-i miss you

2005-01-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

If there's a God out there, why is he doing this to me? Why is he making me go through this?

Why does he keep giving me hope, optimisim, when it's all useless in the end? Why, why does he keep me going, blind to the real system?

Society is cruel.

Is he trying to play with me? A sort of joke? How cruel this world is.

A genius is not one who is brilliant and goes out and does whatever he wants. A genius is one who realizes who the system works and can exploit it, bend it under his will.

Am I supposed to believe, blindly? It makes sense.

Or do I take a step back and realize something bigger, something more important?

Blind hope, crashing into a wall. I can't give my all. I can't do as I please. There's always something that has to stop me.

I'm always going to be edited. Nothing shown the world sees will be the real me. Because it's too much- its too much for them, and it's too much to lose. I don't understand.

I feel rather like the people under Roark.
Frustration. Helplessness to make people see

I guess this whole rant is on lost pride.

......

[9.56 pm]

I'm so caught up in the NOW that I can't shake loose. I can't take a step back and see the broader picture, much less the future.

I'm cuaght by some inexplicable force that holds me back, against my will, but I obey, by instinct.

It's kind of like that TV show, Everybody Loves Raymond. He doesn't mean it, but he's bound by some invisible force to his mom's will. And nothing, NOTHING can shake him loose of it. He can't get past it, and he lives miserably under her control.

That's me.

It's exactly that, which I want to shake loose from. I want to get away from this, from here, from this life, and DO something more with it.

But I'll never get past a few timid steps if I don't step out of my boundaries. I want to see new faces, new changes, a new society. This one's disappointed me too much.

I want out.

I want orange trees, cool bay breeze, lots of old noble trees, old established buildings, old established society, people, atmosphere, open faces, orange sunsets, a sense of security.

I want to be in a protected environment where my silly dreams will florish and grow with the greeen green grass and clear blue waters, the orange leaves, the cool winds.

I don't want to be here, where I'll only be broken again.

And again and again and again.

How many people get what they want most, what their soul needs?
You've got to be very lucky.

2005-01-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

i just can't live a lie anymore
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

I wonder sometimes if we could take a step back from all that we feel and see what pathetic loosers we really are. they're so much more out there, but it's so far from reality, that it'll never become a reality.

you'll never know what you want, or what you're missing if you never try.

at the very least i can say i tried. i tried, and lost everything.

it's a cold and its a broken hallelujah.

2004-12-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

theres so much i could have done, that i can do, but i havent and i hope its not too late.

i just wish this inpiration can last.

forever and ever and ever and ever until we're sisters again then everything can be good just like never.

......

[8.33 pm]

i love you. i really do. i should have said it more often. i should have told you before you left. i should have have told you even if you didnt' buy me things, even if i thought you were the worst person in the world...even as i yelled at you. but i didn't. and now you're gone.

worlds apart. even as i stand next to you. a distant face, never closer than a few genes and a childhood together. in so many ways, worlds apart.

you're free.

......

[9.04 pm]

goodbye, sarah.

sarah was the name of my mother.
it was also the name of a 15 year old prostitute who was the favorite and most liked present of the nazi officers and believed that men only like 12 year old girls. she had the face and smile of an angel. i never saw her again.

i wish there was something of me i could give. i want to do something, finally. but i'm finding that letting go isnt so easy as a few words.

tell penn that inpiration can't be forced.

let me live in peace. let me live where i don't have to fear every sound outside my door is the sound of prosecution waiting for me. i'm so tense all the time. this i why. i live in constant fear.

......

[10.17 pm]

i could live in this state of euphoria forever.

this. do you hear it? it's tantalizing, enticing. i want this from me. i don't want to have to wait anymore, for you, for anyone to give me happiness. i can find happiness here too. if only for a few moments.

they're all the same as dust as dust as dust.

dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.

......

[11.17 pm]

to have never known you again. without a goodbye, without a moment's second thought, turn my back and never look back again. to forget every memory, but still remember. to live with this constant torture of wanting to know, and only knowing that you still exist, somewhere. for something greater than we ever had.

could i?
how could i? you're as much a part of me, as i am of you. whether i like it or not.

i'm finding that letting go isn't so easy as a few memories.